Allow me to introduce myself. I am Big Wolf.
I am writing to you on behalf of your Grandmother. I have been her caregiver for the last several months. She has not been in the best of healths . She speaks so much of you. If you could come visit her I know it would mean a lot to her and I am sure it would lift her spirits and improve her health.
To Mr. Wolf,
Thank you so much for taking care of Grammy. I have been meaning to visit her for a long, long time but it’s been so difficult, what with having to juggle between two jobs to make ends meet.
I promise to make time to visit next month over Halloween. I have this fancy red cape I plan to wear. Is Grammy going to be free then?
PS: Your name sounds awfully familiar but for the life of me I can’t recall where I have come across it.
So wonderful to hear from you. We should be here over Halloween. Grandma hardly ever ventures away from home. Most of the time I entertain her playing merry tunes on my lute. We will be delighted to have you over at Halloween. I have planned to dress up as well, in this new Sheep’s clothing I got hold of.
PS: You probably heard my name in the unfortunate affair with the illegal zoning ordinance concerning the three little pigs.
Dear Mr. Wolf,
I do remember the incident with the pigs. If memory serves me right you blew down their homes. The press dubbed you Big Bad Wolf. I thought that was unfair. You did the right thing. And you were so strong in dealing with those perps. They should have called you Big Badass Wolf if you ask me.
You play the lute as well? Maybe you could play the lute and lead me all the way to Grammy’s, like my personal pied piper.
Oh, and please call me Red. Now that we are no longer strangers we can drop the formality, yes? Can I be so bold as to call you Bigbad?
I like your boldness. Yes you may call me Bigbad. I find ita little flattering.
You humble me with your kind words. All I did was blow hard on those flimsy homes.
I told Grandma you will be visiting us. She feigned indifference but I know she is pretending. She said you don’t like her because she made you wear braids as a child and that is why you haven’t visited. I convinced her you love her and that girls these days have a busy working life unlike her days.
I told her I would play my lute and lead you home. She said I should whack you on the head instead and drag you here. Oh Grandma! So old fashioned.
My Dear Witty Bigbad,
You are so funny. I was laughing silly on reading your last mail.
Speaking of strong blows I am not so bad myself. Oops. Naughty me. Where are my lady like sensibilities?
Old fashioned? Yes, Grammy certainly won’t approve of my friend Snow living with seven of her friends.But one old fashion I can not tire of is Grammy’s cooking, some of which has rubbed off on me. I can bake delicious buns.I am sending you a picture of me in my kitchen, cooking up some trouble.
My Dear Redhot,
Thank you for your picture. You look absolutely ravishing. Red hot! Here’s one of me crooning in one of our many outdoor clubs in the woods.
Please don’t apologize. I can oft be naughty myself. To be honest your picture is making me think naughty thoughts.
I can’t wait to taste your buns.
My Dear Dapper Bigbad,
You look so dashing in your picture, and the moon in the back is like a halo around your face. Dreamy.
I am so looking forward to leaving the hustle and bustle of city life and come spend a weekend in the woods.
Is it odd I am so eagerly looking forward to meeting a drooling Wolf?
My Dear Redhot,
If I am drooling it’s only because I have a long tongue. Which is dextrous. And can be put to good use. Oops. Naughty me!
What you need is a nice, long vacation. Faraway lands and castles and Gingerbread homes. Now that I think about it I need one as well.
My Dear Mischievous Bigbad,
Wish I could just up and go on a vacation. If only Grammy would be a little more generous with her wealth. She says she’ll pass it all on to me, then why can’t she spare some now?
I can’t wait to see you. Maybe I’ll accidentally peck your cheek instead of Grammy’s.
Yours in eager anticipation,
Dear Lumber Jack,
I apologize for not expressing my thanks enough but I am sure you can understand my crazy situation. I can’t thank you enough for your bravery and selflessness in apprehending Wolf. If you had not intervened I myself might have been his next victim when I planned to visit my Grammy (May her soul rest in peace). I owe my life to you.
Wolf now has the temerity to claim in court that I led him on in his dastardly deed. You know better, don’t you Jack? You know how evil Wolf has always been, don’t you? I request you to be a character witness. You won’t fail me now, will you, Jack?
Looking forward to my brave, macho hero to rescue this damsel once more.
The lost letters of Little Red Riding Hood